I thought I might feel like doing some major rambling update about just how rubbish I feel, I guess maybe one day I will still want to but for now – the short version.
After Sunday night and the spotting, it continued through until Monday and got a bit redder, bright red but with no pain or cramps whatsoever. I didn’t go into work (obviously) and called the Early Pregnancy Unit at my hospital. They couldn’t fit me in for a scan any sooner than Wednesday and I can only assume they didn’t think I was an emergency case as I was experiencing no pain and the bleeding was still fairly light. Anyway by this point I had kinda figured ‘What will be will be’ so it was just the waiting around that bothered me really. Anyway, David went to uni as normal that afternoon and at about 5pm I noticed some light cramps starting which I tried to convince myself I was just imagining because I was so worried and scared but as they gradually got worse (and worse!!) I started to know that wasn’t the case. Anyway David got home and we went straight to A&E where we got seen at record speed (the fact that I was crying my eyes out and kept getting massive cramps in the waiting room probably helped that!). So first I did a urine sample (with quite a bit of blood in – the bleeding got a bit worse right around the time the cramping started). Then I was taken through to give a blood sample which we had to wait in the hospital about an hour for the results of in a nice side room with a bed and I started to calm down a bit. Then a lovely doctor came in do an internal examination and she used a speculum as well which was not a great time for my first experience of that! I was so tense and shaking that (TMI alert) the only way I could even relax enough for her to put it in there was to imagine somehow that it was er.. David and not a speculum (you get the idea!).
Anyway that caused a bit more bleeding but by this point I was just so distraught and I just knew Spot had to be gone (or going.) Then she told me the urine test had come back NEGATIVE. I couldn’t quite believe it, when I’d had such a good positive only 3 days before hand! We agreed that the hormones must have just plummeted very quickly. They rang me in the morning and said that the hormone levels in my blood were very low (but not gone) and that I needed to have a repeat blood test on Thursday (so today!) to check my hormone levels are going down properly and we’ll get to speak to the early pregnancy midwife about everything.
It now seems the bleeding and the cramps are almost over… a lot of people (well the people we’ve told, including a couple who’ve been through miscarriages themselves) seem to think it’s all calmed down awfully quickly and that I shouldn’t completely lose hope yet. But I’m absolutely refusing to think like that, as far as I’m concerned a negative urine test (albeit at the end of a day full of trips to the loo, so most of the hormones would have been gone anyway) and the low blood hormone level pretty much say it all to me. I’ve been off work this week so I’ve had plenty of time to think…. I’m doing better now. On Sunday night and Monday morning I just didn’t want to do anything, say anything or go anywhere at all – everything I could think of.. telling parents, having a shower to clean up, letting work know what had happened and why I wouldn’t be in… I just couldn’t bear to even think of any of them. I just wanted to cry and cry every time I had another cramp because I couldn’t bear the feeling of my body killing my baby. I’m only grateful that, if it had to happen at all, it was now and not later. Anyway David was (and is) utterly amazing – he looked after me perfectly, of course we had a big cuddle and a cry when we got back from the hospital but he really was so perfect – he made me drinks, he dealt with all the family phone calls, he called into work for both of us and just held me when I was being completely useless, even though he was going through it all too. When he went back to work on yesterday, he left me on the sofa with the phone, the remote, my mobile and a cup of tea and kept ringing me throughout the day to make sure I was alright. Plus all the other things that I can’t even remember or describe properly now but just made me think all over again why I am so lucky to have married him. And we have each other and our chances of this happening again are no higher than anybody else’s next time.
On that subject, with regards to ‘trying’ again – we’ve not spoken to the midwife yet for advice but our own thoughts are this – wait for my natural period to come back after this (hopefully 4-6 weeks) and then wait out a full cycle (using condoms of course! I don’t think celibacy is really an option for us!) This is mainly for my own purposes as well as dating purposes – I still don’t really know my cycles that well after being on the pill, I only had one natural period before getting pregnant! Anyway then we’ll stop using protection after that (so around February time). Of course I am fertile again pretty much from now, as soon as the hormone levels go down to zero, but I think at least one normal period, preferably two are a good idea. So… watch this space again (you’ll be doing a lot of that!)
I’ll be updating about this afternoons appointment at some point as well anyway. xx