I wrote this yesterday. This morning, we had a gender scan.
“Today is my last day of ignorance. My last day of not knowing. The last day that I can have hope in one direction or another. By the time I post this, we should know whether Splodge is a boy or a girl. We decided to book a gender scan weeks ago, I think we both just wanted to know as soon as possible so we could get used to the idea, whichever way it goes. So I wanted to capture my feelings on this last amazing day of not knowing, where the possibility is everything.
There’s no point in lying to myself and all of you by saying that I don’t have a preference and all I want is a healthy baby, blah blah blah. Of course that is what I want most of all but I also want a little girl, everybody knows that so I may as well acknowledge the fact here. I’ve imagined a scenario a million times over where tomorrow we get told that Splodge is another little boy. In my imaginings, I am never more than marginally disappointed and then fairly immediately reconcile myself to the idea, choose a name and start planning a second little boy nursery. I have no idea if that’s how I’ll feel tomorrow or if I’ll feel more upset? I really don’t want to be and if I am, I know I’ll also be so disappointed in myself for spoiling this next step in getting to know the new little person joining our family.
Still, I guess you can’t trick your own mind into not caring about something can you? Part of me wonders if we should have made the decision not to find out at all, as I don’t want to ruin the rest of my pregnancy and I know that I would never be disappointed once Splodge is actually born but the control freak in me could never wait that long to find out haha!
PS – I would hope this goes without saying but yes I am and will be hugely grateful for my children, regardless of gender and I know that some will view this post as petty and ungrateful. However, it’s just what’s in my head today and I know it will have absolutely no bearing in 5 months’ time so if you’ve a mind to comment in a nasty way, please don’t!”
Reading this back, it’s like deep down I knew what was coming. Either that or I was just trying to avoid feeling disappointed. I hate even using that word about this. Disappointed. Like I’m just so shallow. Another gorgeous little boy is joining our family and I don’t want any negative emotions attached to it but there we go. Anyway, it’s nothing that choosing a fabulous name and doing a little bit of blue retail therapy won’t fix, I know that 🙂
Any reassuring words for me from mummies of two (or more!) boys?